"Never late"

[ryuserev]

It's true that it's never too late to try and change, but I do not wish to stumble against my own words. Those who I pronounced and vowed to, publicly declaring myself loyal to them. To rebel, and to fight, a must in one's duty in life; but I went against what should be normal, sticking to my own beliefs that I thought so righteous in old times. They were certainly not wrong, but to do as everyone says, to do only what seems to be necessary, cutting my wings to freedom and creativity, I eventually reached a deadlock– Oh, what was it like to feel youth? The ability to act careless, to be social, to be mistaken and to struggle against triviality; I lost it all the moment I decided to be “correct”. To fill the need of friends and pointless laughs, I shut myself in, closed myself to everyone, and instead found comfort in another world behind the screen. Ah, when did I lost sight of my own words, though? The so righteous decision, who was at fault of me drifting apart from happiness, at the end, vanished just like fine air. Yet I can't retract, for the “me” everyone thinks I am. As lost as I may be, I can't find myself to ask for help. Pathetically, I became unable to be a “correct” robot or a joyful and laid-back teenager. I couldn't fulfill my ideals, and turned into a purposeless person, slothful, and even indolent. Idling around, somehow left with the weakest of wills to fix myself. I shrivel, just like autumn leaves, as I hold my breath, convincing me that I will do better. The mental strength to actually improve, no mattering how much my hands try to grasp it, even a little, it always goes further away. I can't stand stoic, and I don't have the courage, let alone the braveness, to become the type of person I admire. Drained, I just want to rest, but I hadn't done anything deserving of such act, so I guiltily close my eyes, uneasiness consuming me through my sleep. Another day rises, nothing changes. It is truly never too late, but... The person I've become, it has been troublesome to deal with. Be it because of my bad decisions, my environment, or other's involvement, who I am now can only change with my own determination. How, and when will I take action on that, I wonder. Frustrating. It's... certainly, frustrating.